Injury Report: Day 45

I've had to visit a hospital twice in my life for physical injuries. Both times were very minor. Living in North Bend when I was three, I fell off the couch and hit my head on the corner of the coffee table. My brother and I were trying to jump up so we could see the big yellow plane fly in to land at the airport. Two rambunctious kids plus the excitement of the Banana Plane equals blood everywhere. Thanks for the stitches in the back of my head, Russ. The second time, I was a little older. My sister and I were playing in a kiddie pool in the back yard. She had a bunch of tea tins in the bottom which I didn't see. I jumped in and stepped on one, cutting the bottom of my foot and spreading blood in the pool. Thanks, Angel. Their fratricide may be taking a long time, but it's a devious plan. Another 40 or 50 years should just about do me in.

This time, the back injury was all on my own. No help needed from anyone. And the down time and recovery will be much longer than a few stitches.

In the last month, there was very little improvement on my back after the steroids. The swelling went down, but no increase in the feeling or reflex in my leg. Went back to the doctor on Apr. 21 and recommended surgery. Specifically, a microdiscectomy. After a week of enduring a sock party from my insurance company, they scheduled it for May 7th. That morning, I go in at 8:00 AM and flash some sweet ass in my hospital gown. I should be home in time to see more local news panic about the swine flu. No overnight stay.

I'm constantly amazed at the advances in medical technology. Thirty-five years ago, my dad had a procedure and had to stay in a hospital eight days. My mom, almost ten. In the new millenium, it's like a tooth cleaning. When I tell people that my surgery will be out-patient, the most common response is surprise. Science is cool. So since I'm getting an operation near my spine (read: nervous system), I've requested upgrades from my doctor:

1. Retractable claws like Wolverine
2. GPS
3. Prehensile tail
4. Handicapped parking permit
5. Bionic leg
6. Telekenesis

I think any of these will be acceptable and quite welcome. While I could really use the parking permit, I think the GPS and leg will be necessary for when the machines rise up against humanity. But depending on what I get, I should be down for about 5 days. After that, a few more weeks of taking it easy. That means I should be returning to work during the first or second week of June.

I have no worries or fear about the procedure, just cautious curiosity. I've never done this before, so it'll be a new experience. And isn't that what life is about? Experiencing new things? If it goes well, maybe I'll sign myself up for something really fun. Like a colonoscopy.